i have dreamt.but didn't conquer.i have walked away.and never came back...not until!

finding solitude again...

2005-07-13T14:14:00.000+08:00

im redirecting myself...
it's a brand new start..

patching up...

2005-07-10T12:14:00.000+08:00

when i had time to check on my friendster, i had the chance to check for new messages..

it was a message coming from a very good friend whom i have not seen for quite some time already..

i went ahead and read through her message.. and i was not really expecting her to do such thing..

i replied to her message, saying the things i have been wanting to tell her in the past.. but i was too coward to face her and defend my side..

i told her that i really missed her company.. her stories.. her voice.. i guess i just simply missed her so much..

i even told her that things could have changed between the two of us, but still the friendship is still there..

there's this one i forgot to tell her.. i forgot to tell her im so sorry for all shortcoming i have to done to her..

life must go on.. c'est la vie!

slowly moving on...

2005-07-10T12:06:00.000+08:00

07 july.. 'twas my birthday..
bad thing.. i had to got to work..
i was planning not to, but can't do nothing about it...

as soon as i was in the office, greetings started to come, and i think im just overwhelmed..
im happy at least, some of the people whom i hardly know greeted me for that very special day..

i received text messages, emails.. that's all... gift?? na-da... im not really expecting (?) though, im still looking forward for it, harhar!!!

at the end of the day, i went home.. had dinner with my family..

i slept.. and had my night ended..

why?

2005-07-04T07:42:00.000+08:00

do i have to comment on PGMA's controversial speech about the "gloria-gate" brouhaha?
if i had to, would it matter??

it was the start of a monday shift, when a friend texted me that arroyo, indeed, was the one who conversed with garci.. and after that national confession by the chief executive who looked like very helpless (?), the infamous wiretapped conversation between these two people was slowly being put into clarity..

i then told it to my teammates, knowing that this would be one of the freshest news i can give them.. but all i got from them was just a sheer smile and a blank face, as if they really would not give a damn on it..

i came back to work.. took calls again and again, until it was time to retire from work.. i got home, pretty tired as usual from the travel i had, opened the tv and then, at that very instant saw the face of PGMA, all she was asking for was SORRY..i somehow found myself so much glued to the statements she uttered on that speech.. i had to take time to listen to comments from the hosts of the show, and i knew, right there and then, that something very serious was going on..

as i go to bed and ready to end my day.. there was this one question that lingered in my mind.. "WHY do we have to face this problem AGAIN?? "

after a long time..

2005-07-04T07:23:00.000+08:00

reasons for not having been updating my blog recently:

1. got so busy with work.. i recently had applied for a qa post.. unfortunately, i didn't pass.. nevertheless, i was able to do what it takes to be such kind of person.. but, im still hopin' that i would someday become one.. a friend quoted, " good things happen to those who wait..".. well, i hope it would work..

2. i really did not realize that im already working on graveyard shift for the past 5 mos. ..and im just glad that i was able to adjust to that kind of shift.. that's why i hardly had time to update my blog.. too bad..

3. just in time for my regularization, this would be the first time ill be having my new sked.. and its 1:30 in the morning.. all i have right now is just plain anticipation of new adjustments that i have to undergo.. and im not really sure, if would have such luxury of time with this kind of schedule.. nonetheless, im very optimistic that i would be able to carry on..

it's sad..

2005-05-08T19:18:00.000+08:00

... it was such a relief when i realized that this person could be the one
... i left all doubts and fears behind just to make myself believe i could work on this relationship
... it was nothing more that i usually expect from him
... i just told myself where did i go wrong??

just for this time...

2005-03-27T09:29:00.000+08:00

i really didnt expect that my recent post would really create a big fuss.. or was it just because there are really SOME people who preferred making whatever things i wrote a BIG ISSUE for them.. nada!!!!

im not even regretful of what i did.. im not gonna retract nor deny that these things are just fabricated or what.. but what kinda irritates me was the fact that there are REALLY SOME PEOPLE (emphasis on the word SOME please) who pretended that as if they are happy for me, but had the guts of making this issue a laughingstock for everyone else..

i always tell that I REALLY DONT GIVE A DAMN to whatever people would say towards me.. but i really cant stop myself from just being so glued to my emotions especially now that this person started to make "the whole wide world" (it was just hyperbole) know of whatever things i admitted truthfully and intentionally...

i have my last words for everyone: you really can not trust every person you'll meet along the way.. never misinterpret the kind words that they are telling you, coz you'll never know they already fooling you without you knowing it..

to those people who created this fuss.. you can laugh all you want.. just dont let me see what you're doing.. coz i wont even give a damn on your age!!!

im back...

2005-03-03T08:43:00.000+08:00

8:45 am..

cant sleep, 3 hours after shift... having a hard time from retiring.. i guess im gettin used to this kind of shift..

well, what really pushed me to go have this thing written is the fact that i miss doing this.. tellin the whole wide world of the things u wana say, the things u did, even if u know, some people would not even give a damn on this.. (the hell i care!)

***************************************

i was kinda surprise when i opened my friendster, and a former officemate made a testimonial for me.. it was really sweet of her to at least spare some of her time to put words together and make someone feel special just through this lil act.. TNX PRINCESS ERIKA!!! you'll always be a friend.. you know that!!!

***************************************

i suddenly felt confused again whether or not to move out of my place and live with my friends again in manila.. but i have to decide til 6 pm later of what will i do.. or else... (not again!!!!)

***************************************

am i happy??? yah! coz im doin ok with my new work.. i mean, i have cool new friends to hang out with... ive already made myself open to everybody.. and that made me more comfortable with myself... i know this is only the start of a new phase in my life.. but whatever happens, whatever things may occur in the future, i know, ive made the right choice of moving in to this company.. i just hope it'll carry over until such time i have face another chapter of my so-called complicated life.

***************************************

just want to leave a very personal mantra that im currently believing..

"i stumble and fear a lot of times.. i have wronged so many people.. i have made my life more complicated that what it really is .. but, for whatever reasons it may be.. nobody can ever make me stumble more and fear more.. coz once in everybody's life, they'll come to accept their imperfections.. and im glad, ive reached that point already.. no further questions asked.. no confirmation needed.. im REALLY what you used to believe in.. and all i gotta do is to accept it, nothing more, nothing less.. and this will surely remain true for the rest of my life..

***** I HAVE DREAMT. AND FOR SOME REASONS, I FAILED TO CONQUER, BUT I MANAGE TO MOVE ON.. I HAVE WALKED AWAY, THOUGHT OF NEVER COMING BACK.. BUT I HAVE TAKEN THE RISK AND HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM IT.. THESE THINGS WERE CLOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE BEFORE, NOT UNTIL I REALIZE THAT I CAN STILL LOVE MYSELF AND BE PROUD OF WHATEVER I HAVE WITH ME.. NO HANG-UPS.. NO MORE PRETENSIONS.. INSTEAD A DISPOSITION THAT COULD REALLY LAUNCH A THOUSAND SMILE TO EVERYONE..

2005-02-04T18:25:00.000+08:00

im impatient... thats what my mom told me when i talked to her the other day!

i pondered on it, had some self-realization.. and remembered the things that had happened to me since i graduated.

thats when i realized that my mom was right all along.. i already had two jobs in just a year.. and here i am again, experiencing the same plight i had experienced before: getting bored!

di ko lam kung ano ung problema ko.. di ko ren alam kung baket i always end up like this.. i tried changing myself.. i tried making myself believe that i can do it.. that i can always overcome such trials of my life.. but i guess i was just too coward to accept the fact that somehow im weak... that i can not always have everything that i want.. i was wrong..

all i know is that im already tired of everything thats happening.. at some point, i thought of turning my back on it again.. not minding whatever things that it would cause after..

pero mas mali un eh.. i cant afford to worsen my life's plight.. not now.. not ever...

which is which??

2005-02-04T13:02:00.000+08:00

i really hate making big decisions in life.. ewan ko ba kung baket. cguro nga i just really dont want to make a big mistake and end up with a wrong choice..

im already having this so-called sleepless nights this past 4 days already just because of this..

the premise: to leave my current work and head on to a new job and start all over again.. and i really have to make my choice not later than tomorrow.. coz if not i know im gonna mess up!

my current state of mind: magulo.. di ko kyang i explain.. i just couldnt think of what im gonna do. i feel like as day passes, the harder it is for me to choose.. ive already asked so many advices, still they always let me do the last move.. and i guess they are right on that one..

i know this is not the first time i was confronted with this kind of thing, but this is one event of my life that would surely create so much change in me if ever id make the wrong move.. i just hope not! not this time...

bakit ako my blog??

2005-01-31T10:56:00.000+08:00

bakit nga ba??

la lang, cguro naiingit lang ako dun sa mga nakikitang kong blog, mukha kcng exciting gumawa ng sarili..

tsaka medyo sawa na ren ako sa friendster.. un at un na ren naman ung nakikita ko eh evrytime i open my page, para bang la ng thrill..

tsaka naisip ko, having my own blog wud eventually open myself to whoever would care to read this.. ung bang i can express myself in any way i want.. and besides, this is MY BLOG, so walang dapat makikielam..

i guess, i still have a lot more to say.. so i guess.. i just have to welcome you all (kung meron man) sa aking simpleng blog!!!

hope you enjoy!!!

ipagpatuloy...

2005-01-28T15:57:00.000+08:00

baka...

masaktan ka?? hindi ren.. di naman basagulero yang si makoy eh... yan pa!! ummm.. di ka lang niya matatangap na kaibigan, simple lang di ba..

mashado kcng mapagtanim ng galit yan eh.. mahirap makakalimot. sensitive kc.. in short isa siyang PIKON!!!

minsan pinangarap din niyang maging isang pari, kaya nga nag sakristan yan nung elemntary. kaya lang nagbago yata ang ihip ng hangin.. ngyn ayaw na niya! ewan ko ba, pabago-bago ng isip.. mahirap tlagang maintindihan!

ngyn, madami na sa kanyang nabago, di tulad nung hi school siya, ang itim itim niya, kya nga tukso sa kaniya nog nog eh.. pero, di na ngyn, siguro nga lahat ng bagay nagbabago.. ugali, pananamit, pagsasalita, mga gusto sa buhay.. lahat nagbabago.. pati si makoy, nagbago na ren..

mahirap man tanggapin pero lahat ng cnbi ko may bahid ng katotohanan.. kc kilalang kilala ko c makoy..

...ako yata ang nag-iisang anino niya!!

isang panimula...

2005-01-28T15:28:00.000+08:00

simpleng tao lang si makoy.. yun nga lang minsan mahirap maintindihan..

...born on the 7th day of july. a certified cancerian. may pag ka emotional lalo na when it comes to his family..possessive din to.. lalo na sa mga friends, kaya lang minsan it goes over-board na raw.. he is a secretive person. seldom does he open up to anyone, mashado kasing paranoid!

pangarap niya?? maging lawyer.. kya lng, di pa siya ganun ka decided, kaya ngyn nakaka dalawang call center na..

actually madali lang pakisamahan si makoy, simpleng trip lang. walang bisyo.. mahilig nga lang gumimik at gumastos ng gumastos. minsan, makikita mo yang mag-isa. kasi nga daw may pagka loner daw yan.. ewan ko ba kung bakit.. basta ang alam ko, gusto lng niya minsan na mag-isa. ayaw niya kasi sa mashadong maraming tao na nakapaligid sa kanya.. weird noh??

maraming bagay na ang nangyari sa buhay niya, may mga masasaya pero meron ding malulungkot. madalas, pag di na niya kaya ung problema niya, tinatakasan niya. may pagkaduwag kc tong si makoy minsan eh. mahirap tlagang ispelengin..

sa lahat ng bagay na dapat mong malaman sa kaniya, magtanong ka lang. di ka niya lalamunin..
sasagutin ka niya ng totoo.. pro wag na wag mo lang siyang gagawing tanga.. baka...